Thursday, December 31, 2009

MARSHALL’S 2009 FACEBOOK CLIP SHOW

It’s the end of the year. I’m tired; I’m lazy, and I really don’t want to come up with a whole new blog. So I’m borrowing a time-honored tradition from my days in television. It’s called a clip show. Essentially, you pull together a bunch of crap you already shot and bookend it with and intro and a closing.

Today’s crap is a random selection of my daily Facebook status posts. For those of you who follow me on Facebook, these may not be funny the second time around. That’s because most of them weren’t funny the first time around.

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I’ve been told I’m a great kisser. But let’s face it — guys in prison have such ridiculously low standards.

Is there no privacy? Some asshole posted directions to my house on his website! Who is this Mapquest guy anyway?

I tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. But it’s okay. It was only Metamucil.

My new book is called 27 Theories For Winning An Argument With A Woman. So far all I’ve got is the title.

I have an appointment with the acupuncturist. God, I hope the bastard is sober this time.

Sarah Palin was 90 minutes late for a book signing in Iowa. Hundreds of people were still waiting in the freezing cold. I showed up late for a book signing once. Both people left before I got there. You’d think my parents could’ve waited five lousy minutes.

They say the Swine Flu will peak early in the season. They’re considering changing the name to the Boston Red Sox Flu.

I called the Butterball Hotline and the lady asked if I were lonely. She said for $3.95 a minute she’d talk me through the X-rated version of how to stuff a turkey.

President Obama’s first visit to China and he’s asking them to cap their greenhouse gas emissions. Good luck. It would be smarter to ease into it. Maybe start with could you cut back on the lead paint and hold the MSG.

I just wrote a really hot sex scene for my next book. I thought it was pretty good, so I decided to read it out loud to my wife. She fell asleep. But the dog started humping my leg.

Maureen Dowd in The NY Times says The White House has become an All Boy’s Club. Not true, says Obama. Those urinals in the ladies room were all Hillary’s idea.

I clicked on Medical Marijuana on Amazon, and it said customers who bought this also bought Medical Sex and Medical Rock and Roll.

What kind of parents let their kid take off in a helium balloon? Oh, no wait — he never was in the balloon. He was hiding in a freaking box in the attic for two hours. Much better parenting.

I’m confused. The guy in charge of two wars gets the Nobel Prize for Peace. So who gets the Nobel Prize for Fidelity? Letterman?

Letterman’s ratings are going through the roof. Told my wife I’m willing to have sex with younger women if it will help my book sales.

I’m doing my part to sanction Iran. I just defriended Ahmadinejad on Facebook.

You realize, of course, that if Sonia Sotomayor gets confirmed, Ruth Bader Ginsburg will no longer be the only smokin’ hot babe on the Court.

“We’re doing so well, my administration. My administration’s accomplishments, they speak for themselves. I love my job and I love Alaska.” And now I quit. Sarah Palin is to speech writing what the Titantic was to transatlantic crossings.

Michael Jackson opened up a total can of worms. Now my kids want to be left to Diana Ross when I die. And if that's not bad enough, my wife asked if if I could leave her to George Clooney.

I don’t know why the Republicans are being so tough on Governor Sanford. I would have thought they’d be happy that one of their boys was doing a little offshore drilling.

You know what would be a great iPhone app? A taser.

Random rule of comedy — avoid the obvious. If the menu says Prix Fixe, the waiter has probably heard all the jokes.

Why do they insist on calling them Reality Shows? I can’t think of a single one that resembles my reality. Okay, Wife Swap, sure. But besides that…

Last night I went to my first meeting of Agoraphobics Anonymous. Nobody else showed up.

Did you see the latest accessory for Malibu Barbie's Dream House? It's the most adorable little foreclosure sign. That Barbie -- she's just so in tune with the times.

Today’s the anniversary of the day Joan of Arc was burned at the stake. Think I’ll celebrate with a Chateauneuf de Pape and S’mores.

I was thinking that my wife never pays any attention to me, but then I realized… of course she does. How else would she be able to point out all my mistakes?

Joan Rivers kicked ass on Celebrity Apprentice last night. Proving once again that she's so much more than a pretty face.

I was looking for the perfect thing to say on a Mother’s Day card. So I Googled “Moving Quotes.” I got quotes from Allied Van Lines, Mayflower Movers and U-Haul.

My wife doesn’t want me to have knee surgery. She said for that kind of money, she’d rather redo the kitchen.

I always try to make other people happy. In my wife’s case, I have to leave her alone to do it.

Some asshole I can’t stand borrowed fifty bucks from me, and then, bam — he disappeared. I never saw him again. Now I’m lending out fifties to every asshole I know.

A hot blonde stops me—are you Marshall Karp? Yes. The author? Yes. And your new book Flipping Out just came out? Yes, yes, yes! Your fly’s open, asshole.

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you…” Oops...sorry, just reminiscing about my wedding vows.

A PUBLIC APOLOGY TO MY WIFE: Sorry, dear. I really have to learn to stop talking when you're interrupting.

A psychic charted my past lives. She told me I was a horse thief, a derelict and a Hun. It’s OK, she said. At least none of those assholes was on Facebook.

I just tried smoking crack for the first time, and man, it is soooooo addictive. It’s like — I don’t know — Facebook.

My wife thinks all men are assholes. And yet, she derives some sort of perverse pleasure in telling everyone that she married their king.

I got a GPS for my car. Guys, it’s great. Now even if your wife isn’t in the car, you can still have a woman’s voice telling you how to drive.

Does this status post make my ass look fat?

I’m leaving Facebook forever. I just unexpectedly came into a humungous sum of money, and I’m on my way to Nigeria to collect it. So long, suckers.

I took some homeopathic medicine last night. My cold is gone, but in the morning I broke out in sequins

If my stimulus package lasts longer than 4 hours, do I call my doctor? Or my Congressman?

I taught my dog to sit, stay, heel, fetch, and not pee on the floor. (Same basic commands my wife is trying to teach me.)

I’d like to clarify a misconception. I’m totally straight. What I said was, I’m a GRAY American.
I just figured out how to say WTF in Spanish. It’s QTF.

My Hungarian grandmother gave me her secret recipe for chicken soup that tastes incredible and costs practically nothing to make. First you steal a chicken…

My thermometer just hit Zero. Oh no, wait... that's my 401(k).

I have a ton of snow, so I’m shoveling, and shoveling, and shoveling, and thinking, finally, all those years in advertising have paid off.

I told my wife that I had more than 300 friends on Facebook. She said, “I guess the other 200 million people just don’t give a shit about you.”